Oh Look at that Elephant (sorry it’s a rhino)….

And so it begins again – The Apprentice returned to BBC1 last night with 16 new candidates all wanting to go into business with Sir Alan Sugar.

This first episode was full of cringe-making moments from the lost souls who couldn’t find the wine cellar to the impromptu tour guide who couldn’t tell the difference between a rhino and an elephant.

While we have to remember this edited series is a mere snapshot of all the footage that will have been filmed – there is an entertainment factor here and it’s like a cartoon business experience at a hundred miles an hour.

Some business owners hate the programme, thinking it’s all about entertainment and not real business. I partially disagree. In real life no one has to succeed or fail in a day or two – however when you consider out of 100 SMEs starting in a year, only four will be left in a decade – it means you have to start earning and making money relatively quickly. The clock is ticking for anyone in business. I’ve also had the privilege of working on a project with one of the former Apprentice winners and I can assure anyone this lady was and is very serious about her business.

For me the Apprentice is one of my guilty pleasure.

From the chap who wants to earn billions to live the life he dreams of, to the woman who is so ambitious it seeps out of her blood – we all just know these comments are brilliant for being gradually dismantled over the coming episodes.

For this first task, the girls went up against the boys in organising a day out for tourists in the countryside around Cape Town, South Africa – a country which is enjoying a tourist boom. The team which made the most profit would win.

The girls, led by Scarlett, chose to put together and sell a wine tour – and the boys, led by Lewis, chose a safari experience.

Already the teams did not follow an important rule of business – do your research and have a plan based upon it. Spend some time planning – yet not too much. Many of us in business take action without having a plan! Many of us have a plan which we refine, change, refine, change, refine, change and we take no action. Which is worse?

In this case, there was little planning and it was hard to get a grip of the financials – how much was everything costing and what would be a fair charge for a ticket price? Where would the profit come from? How much could you discount? Could you discount at all? It was all rather random and confused.

For the luxury wine experience tickets ranged from 2,500 Rand (about £138 at time of writing) which were then discounted in desperation when sales were poor to 600 Rand (about £33). As for the ticket costs for the safari experience, I was never quite clear how much anyone was paying. I was clear both teams negotiated profit shares from peripheral sales of wine and trinkets from the safari gift shop – provided they actually made some sales.

For the girls’ wine day out – there were a catalogue of cringeworthy disasters, they had to deal with the annoying Lottie (a school librarian) who came across as bossy, overbearing and an insufferable know it all. However she had one big advantage, she knew about wine and boy, wasn’t she going to let everyone know it.

Then the tour of the vineyard started terribly with guests left to wander around a garden of sculptures by a famous artist nobody had ever heard of – and none of the team knew anything about. Then on to the wine cellar that no one could find. Guests were wandering around aimlessly with a team of girls in yellow shirts who clearly had no clue what they were doing.

The girls redeemed themselves on the wine tasting as Lottie played to her strengths and sales were made. The guests did seem to enjoy the tasting. However as anyone in business could have anticipated, the huge difference between ticket prices meant that some guests asked for their money back when they realised others on the tour had paid much less for the same experience. Overall the team’s profit was over £500.

For the boys, it all seemed to be going much better initially. The safari team were friendly and far more animated, there was much laughter and the guests seemed more positive. However it soon became clear that there was a problem with the upfront contract – the sales team had promised those who had paid for tickets that they would definitely see the ‘big five’ animals. A promise which, of course, they could not guarantee.

In a bid to get as close as possible to that promise, the animal drive out on the park took two hours longer than arranged so another of the ‘big five’ was ticked off. The tourists saw rhino, lions and elephant in the end.

This meant they had about five minutes for the promised ‘rock painting’ class which I’d have ditched by asking guests do you want more safari time or do you want to paint rocks? (I suspect they’d have gone for the former). Then they could have gone back to the lodge and straight into the shop. As this didn’t happen, there was a rushed ‘rocks’ class and no time for the shop. No refunds were sought showing the experience was rated well by guests, however no gift or trinket sales were made as time ran out. Profit over all was just over £400. The boys lost the challenge.

In the boardroom Lewis brought back in two of his sales team Dean and Shahin. It was a messy fight with Lewis losing his temper as the bunfight began. At this early stage, it seemed Lewis might go – after all his business idea is to run a travel company and he’d failed this related task. In the end it was Shahin who got the bullet for making no sales at all. Was it fair shout? I think so. In one episode he had hardly shone.

Frankly I would have cheerfully liked to see Lottie getting in the taxi at the end of episode one….still there’s plenty of time for that….