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How To Deal With Your Past & Move On
Living in the past is a real pain right? Just when you think things are going well something from your past pops up and throws a spanner in the works.
Many people just mask it and find coping mechanisms instead of dealing with the shit from the past, only not dealing with it will drag you back every single time.
For many of us, we get stuck, or even choose to stay where we are because we need to be certain. Certainty is one of the six basic human needs and is fundamentally about survival. We all need to feel certain that we can avoid pain and, ideally, find some comfort in our lives. Continuous pain means continuous damage, and that eventually leads to our demise.
It’s frightening to step into the unknown. It’s difficult to be vulnerable, more so if you’re a bloke, and it can be overwhelmingly uncomfortable to have that sense of uncertainty about what lies ahead. So we hang on to the past – because even if it’s steeped in pain, it’s what we are familiar with and what we feel certain about.
Let me take you back to 2015 when I had my breakdown. I knew something wasn’t right for years, I just masked with drugs, I never dealt with it, and boy did I suffer because of it.
I hated myself because all I could see in myself was my mother, and I didn’t want to be like her, she was a very narcissistic woman, and also very troubled by her past, she had unresolved trauma which she was projecting onto everybody she came into contact with.
I wanted to explore why I was so like her, and how I could change this.
So I did.
Your brain is a wonderful place, and it’s pre-programmed for you in your early years by those closest to you, mine was my mother, and that was very poorly programmed, all of her subconscious beliefs became my beliefs. I was traumatised by her and she didn’t even know it bless her.
We link emotion to information, so whilst I was being shouted, screamed at, hit and sworn at, guess who’s little brain was being fucked? Yep, you guessed it, mine.
We do not retain information that does not have an emotion attached to it – that is, an associated feeling. So we remember all that bad shit and hold onto it. And here’s the thing, you don’t even have to have a shit up bringing like I did, you could be from a privileged background where you had everything and it’ll affect you. It’s called trauma.
Some of those who attend boarding school mostly suffer with abandonment issues, and then anxiety when leaving. We have to let that shit go, “but how Steve?” I hear you cry. Well, the long and short of it is you’re going to need help, and believe me when you do you’ll wish you did a long time ago.
When I say help, this doesn’t mean you’re messed up, from it, it means you don’t want it to control your life any longer, it means you are ready to start living your life and let go of those negative emotions, and the past. The first step in letting go of the past is to determine your reason for wanting to let go of the past.
- What are the reasons that I absolutely must move beyond this?
- How will your life change?
- How will it change the trajectory of your relationships?
- And how will you feel in this new chapter of your life?
You must ask these questions because they will keep you motivated.
Here’s the therapy I had, CBT, NLP, Timeline Therapy, Personal/Self Development, Hypnotherapy, Counselling, Coaching & Mentoring. I had to do a load of work to get to where I am today, so don’t think this will be achieved in a few days. You’ll need new emotions anchored to those old events holding you back. You’ll also need to understand that you may have perceived things in totally the wrong way. Forgiveness also plays a huge part in letting your past go.
Let me give you an example, in the 13th of this month my brother was killed exactly 29 years ago by a drunk driver, and I forgave his killer, why? Well, grudges do nothing positive for anybody; it’s only you that suffers. He didn’t go out to kill my brother, it just happened. I can’t change the past, but I can change the future, and I can change the story. You’ve just got to tell and concince your mind of this.
The ultimate breakthrough happens by conditioning your mind every single day about how to let go of the past. It’s going to take work, and I can assure you it’s worth the effort. If you don’t make the conscious effort to decide what you allow into your mind, then you are allowing weeds to grow and to spread. Take the time to examine and change your habits, I did this the hard brutal way.
I disconnected from everything for 3 months, I walked away from family & friends as they were in my past and holding me back. I was my priority. It was time for me to call the shots. Everything went. I had to change.
I had to surround myself with people who would make me better, negative people will keep you stuck exactly where you are. It’s the small rituals that you do every day that build momentum and, ultimately, lead to massive change. I chose to start my journey helping those less fortunate than me, I felt a sense of achievement. It was also something to heal my pain and trauma. I was in service to something bigger than myself.
Your past doesn’t define you, it was a lesson and a blessing, learn to see it that way. It’s time to make new memories, it’s time to forgive yourself and those that hurt you, they and you didn’t know any better. It’s your time now. Seek what is seeking you, your life!